If I had two hands..............

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Fear of Joy

This has been a real issue for me in the past. If it is too good to be true, it must not be true. whenever things started coming together, I became anxious and did not enjoy the good times because I was just waiting for "the other shoe to drop". In some ways I was more "ok" with things not going well than I was with good times. Why? Because I knew what was expected during tough times but unsure how to act in good times. After all, if I enjoyed life when it was good, wouldn't that just make life more difficult when things go bad? Not IF, but WHEN they turn bad. Who knows, this may have been so uncomfortable to me that I maybe even caused some of the difficult stuff myself by my fear of joy.
Occasionally, I still find myself feeling this, but it is very seldom and it doesnt last. In coming to know myself and my God, I am able to enjoy where I am each day and the joys and problems each day brings. Before, I did not truly live, just existed for the next round.
Guess what? I am no better person than I used to be. I screw up just as much as I used to. But I am accepting of myself and no longer use old "programs" to stifle myself. I am truly a new creature in Christ.

9/13/09

I am excited about tomorrow night. The small city of Belpre is having a community wide prayer for the city. We will start by walking the streets and then end up all together for a prayer service. This is not just one or two churches, it is all the churches in Belpre. Is that awesome or not? So I am not sure what the details are but I am excited to be part of this.
It will be a busy week, praying for Belpre Monday night, Small group with BJ's buddies on Tuesday and Wednesday HOPE group. I am blessed to able to be a part of these awesome opportunities. God is good! Looking forward to an awesome week and hoping that God is first in all of this.

Labor Day

Have you ever had so much to say you did not know where to start? Welcome to my life.
For starters, have you found yourself in a certain situation with the weather just so and at that moment in time, everything seemed perfect?
Well I went through Dairy Queen Drive thru and while taking my first taste of my fabulous Pecan Mudslide I fell in love. The car lot next to DQ has this awesome looking 09 Camaro. It is SS V8 and as I looked at it, the sun was shining just right and it gleamed and seemed to be calling my name, (alright, maybe it was me groaning). but in that moment, all was right with the world and life was beautiful.
That car was all I talked about for weeks with anyone. I tried to talk Brian out of his final year of college so that I could put a down pament on this beauty. Well I talked about it so much at work that my supervisor called the car lot and gave me the details. The price tag is merely $41,500.
Oh well, I love to dream. I believe that without dreaming, we do not achieve. We must picture what we want in detail and then go about the how to get there. Ok, I will not come up with a plan for buying the Camaro, but I have dreamed and achieved. A short while ago, I was unemployed, newly divorced and wondering what I would do with my life. I dreamed of college and helping others. No one would have put money on me at that point. Well, today I have a college degree and get paid to help people. How awesome is that? so remember to dream and dream big, with God, all things are possible. I have tried to convince myself that I could use the camaro for evangelism, but does not feel like good stewardship:)

Movies, two days in a row

I have set a record by going to movies two days, back to back. Today we took Brennen and Taylor out to the mall, then movies and then "spray park". We saw Ice Age 3 and we were the only people for the noon showing. Nothing like a private showing:) We had fun, indulging the children and lunch was popcorn, candy and pop (unlimited refills). We did have some priorities though, they were not allowed caffeine. The spray park was neat. I guess they are popular here. GF has several. I posted a pic of the one we went to. Watching the children play, made me tired. We then got the pleasure of watching Brennen and Payton while Adam, Amanda and Taylor had other plans. We played ball, read books, played with stickers and giggled.
Tomorrow is last full day here in ND.
The best news of the day is that my baby is coming home. I thought I would not see him until Thanksgiving but now I find that I get to see him this Sunday! I can't wait until I get my hands on him and give him a big hug. Wish Karen and Dorian were coming also but guess I will have to be patient............For tonight I am feeling very blessed to have Adam and Amanda share their family with me. God is good!

Donald Miller

If it is Wednesday, I must be in Grand Forks

Today I have listened to news and heard people talking and I find myself getting confused and frustrated. I don't know a lot about the health care reform proposed but I know that we need health care reform. Health care costs continue to skyrocket with no end in sight. Where is the end of this? Drug companies pay to play by feeding thousands of physician's office's staff daily. Why? Shouldn't this be illegal? Yes we all say how proud we are to be Americans, but then don't trust America to make things better. I would like to see the issue of health care reform addressed by Congress. No predetermined outcomes, just see where we can correct things. Isn't it agreed that Health care is definitely not working as it is? So why do we try to scare people to convince them to not want health care? I am all for discussion; honest discussion, but I HATE people using fear to try to persuade people. If your opinion has logic then use it and quit trying to scare people.
And while I am complaining, I am so upset with Ohio and how it got so bad off financially. Our current budget is cutting vital, needed services to those that can least survive cuts. And then they tell us that there will be more cuts this fall. There is a quote that escapes me right now, but it basically says, that a society is judged by how they treat their most vulnerable, the very young and the helpless old. With this as a guide, Ohio is failing as a society.

Monday, and I didn't have to go to work.

Hot and sunny in Bismark today. We celebrated Adam's birthday by spending it on the river. I actually had fun. It was unbelievable that Brennen at 4 was tubing by himself and Taylor was giving a try at water sking. The Missouri River is just as wide as the Ohio is at home. But it is not as deep. There were several sand bars that we had to go around. One we stopped at and played on for a while. Tomorrow we leave Bismarck and head back to Grand Forks to Adam and Amandas house. I will put the link for the pics of yesterday and today. Payton is making up to me and letting me hug on him more.
Brennen is here wanting to write something so I will let him try.

ertjggkgkgkkglgd'ldfollkfgfp;dl
'';dd;fdf;f;fp[prop[wpf[sbrennen

WEll that was exciting. I am going to read and go to bed, goodness know what tomorrow will hold.

http://picasaweb.google.com/anitalvaughan/NorthDakota?authkey=Gv1sRgCIf2z-_Pk5_3uwE#

Being Lazy

Isn't weird how when you are on vacation you are content doing nothing but eating and sleeping? I am constantly sleepy and could nap off an on all day. Yesterday was rainy and cool so did some shopping (2 pair of shoes) but mostly hung around the house. Adam did take us out on Missouri River in the boat for a short ride. Don't worry I had my life jacket on. They would not let me where multiple ones(:
Today we are traveling to western North Dakota and the eastern part of Montana. Will see an outdoor drama tonight and before that probably see the Badlands.
Never did know what the Badlands were or are, but hopefully will know more after today. Taylor, Brennen and Payton are simply adorable. I will try to put some pics on tomorrow. Payton is so tough. He can fall or hurt himself and never cry. Well we are getting ready to go so, hope everyone has an awesome, God filled day. This verse from my reading today stands out to me.
"Do not abuse poor people because they are poor, and do not take away the rights of the needy in court. The Lord will defend them in court and will take the life of those who take away the rights." Proverbs 22:22-23

North Dakota

Made it safely to North Dakota. Have got lots of hugs and loving from the Durbin children. Payton is cuter than ever if you can believe it. Brennen is still Brennen, not changed at all. Taylor is getting taller and growing into a beautiful young lady. Got up this am at 4:30am. It is now 10pm and I am so confused I don't know if it is home time or ND time but I am very sleepy. So am calling it a day and headed to bed. Tomorrow will be a long exciting day and I will get a chance to see more of North Dakota, all the way to Montana.
It feels good to know that there is time off work and time to have lots of hugs and fun.

Dogs

I am trying to write this blog while at Lisa's. Well, the dogs are jealous of each other. The puppy just plays and runs and barks. Abbie, the large dog can not stand the puppy
Sam getting any attention. So she comes over and Sam tries to play and then Abbie snaps at her. They do not get along but they are not able to keep away from each other. Where one goes, the other follows and the fight is on. I am trying to type while one puts his head under my right hand and Abbie is nudging my left hand. I can't take it!!!!!I breathed a sigh of relief once we dropped off Griswald with Miss Ginger but now at Lisa's it is worse than Griswald. If one eats the other one follows and growls. If one plays, the other wants the toy. If I am petting Abbie and Sharon plays with the puppy Sam, then Abbie no longer is content with me petting her and wants whoever is paying attention to Sam.
As crazy as this situation seems, it sort of reminds me of how we as humans act. We only seem to want what the other person wants or has. We are often content with what we have only until we see someone else getting attention from someone else. I guess we aren't that much different from Abbie and Sam. My prayer tonight is that I seek God with all of my being and am not distracted by what others are receiving or what they are doing. Tomorrow we fly out of Columbus at 6:20am so I am going to call it a night and dream of dogs............

Guest Blogger Tonight

Anita is busy getting ready to leave on vacation tomorrow evening, so I will blog for her tonight. I thought I would include for you the letter I wrote to the lady that I will protect while Anita and Sharon are gone. If I get a good response she might let me blog more, hint, hint......
"Dear Ginger,
I know we have met before but Anita suggested that I formally introduce myself to you. Although I am small, I am not a puppy. I am almost three years old. My name is Griswald and I was named after a famous movie star. I answer to Gris, Grissy, or most anything. Anita also told me that while she and Sharon are running around, that I need to come stay with you and help you like I help them. This letter is just to let you know what to expect.
I wake up usually by 7 to be let out to chase cats or whatever else needs chased. Sometimes, Anita is awake enough to put leash on me so I won’t stray. If you prefer me not to chase neighbor’s cats you will probably want to put my leash on. I usually empty my bladder pretty quickly after holding it all night. If I am walked a little I can usually have my first bowel movement of the day. To make Anita mad, I sometimes won’t go and wait until I get back inside. I will try not to do this to you as you may not be as funny looking when you get mad. I am then ready to go back to bed or whatever you need me to help you with.
I am really good at watching television and letting you know when animals are trying to bother you. I have honed this skill to perfection. I usually eat and drink a little in morning but am more interested in staying where you are. After all, I am supposed to keep an eye on you. I am trying not to worry about who will watch after Anita & Sharon while they are gone. But, back to us. I think we will make a good team as long as you don’t get selfish and insist on doing things your way. I love to sit beside you or in your lap as this is the best way I have found to watch out and make sure nothing bothers you.
I have excellent ears and am very keen at picking out noises like doorbells and even car doors, three streets over. Don’t worry, while I am protecting you, you will be completely safe. Rest assured that no one and I mean no one will slip in on you. I like to go outside to check on the perimeter (and relieve myself) every couple hours during daylight hours. Around supper time or if you need to leave for day and then you return, that is usually when I need to empty my bowels again. Unless something is added to my diet, usually twice a day is fine. Anita insisted on me bringing my litter box with me but it is so embarrassing to me. People actually mistake me for a cat! I will use this box if I am closed up in a room with it and I am sure no one can see me. At night or if raining, I sometimes “go” in it to keep Anita and Sharon from complaining. This litter box is quite an accomplishment for me. I have to walk in and circle counter clockwise before the target is hit. If I walk clockwise, I will never even attempt the target. Sometimes if I am hurried, I might try to step out of litter box and the target outside of box is hit instead. Hey, nobody is perfect, look at Sharon.
Where was I? Oh yeah, my vet is Tammy Smith and I was treated for fleas a couple weeks ago, so I should be good for that one. I mean those humans can bring all kind of nasty stuff home to me. Once we go to bed I often like to get up and nibble on food and water. But if you get up with me then I no longer want to. Got it? I try not to drink much so we don’t have to go out. I will use the litter box at night if I have no alternative.
As for food, I like everything! I will not take food from you but I will be right there ready in case you drop something. That is included in my taking care of you. Oh, another thing about my bodily functions, sometimes Anita and Sharon embarrass me by giving me treats after I go. I go along with it just like I did when they trained me as a puppy. I usually bathe once a week or more often if needed. Anita usually combs my hair out so it dries just so so.
Lets see, what have I left out? Oh, yeah I will try not to crowd you out of bed but I do need to be in bed to make sure I am close if you need me. Hopefully Anita will remember my step so that I can easily assess the situation. I know most commands, but if I am under cover, I sometimes pretend that I don’t know what you are talking about. I definitely know the baby talk they use with me, such as “potty” “night night”, “go out”, and one I hate to admit, NO! I know my name well, but sometimes like to hear it so much that I don’t answer until you say it numerous times.
If you need to leave at any time, rest assured that I will protect your home and attack anyone unfortunate to be in my path. Sometimes I practice this on people you invite to your home. Don’t worry, I don’t leave teeth marks. To show that I am in my “super dog” mode, I usually start shaking as soon as I realize that you are leaving me. Rest assured that this is normal.
You may want to call and check up on Anita & Sharon. Anita’s number is 740-350-6301 and Sharon’s is 740-350-6304. It won’t cost you anything to check on them. If they are misbehaving, you may want to report it to Lisa. Her number is 740-591-1458. That will cost you to call, but thought you might want it just in case. You can also email Sharon or Anita if you want to. I hope you are ready for this experience. Anita told me that you are not used to a dog of my skills but I am sure that we can work this out. I will go easy on you since you have trusted me to take care of you. "
Love, Griswald...

Legacy

This song that Nicole N. sings is what my heart is singing today. I want to leave a legacy, and make a mark just as these lyrics say.

"I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one..."

Crazy Week

VBS at church, funeral home tonight, funeral tomorrow, getting things done before heading to Columbus Thursday night. Lots of stuff pulling me this way and that. Trying to stay centered on God and realizing that all the "stuff" in the world will go away but God is forever. Very few things crowding into my life right now are "have to's" but I act as if they are. Is this a way for me to go round, beating my chest, saying look how busy I am, I must be important?
For tonight, I am putting away all outside things and concentrate on my Heavenly Father. I praise His majesty and sacredness. I reach out for His love and comfort. I listen for His gentle words, I read His word and lift up petitions and supplications to Him. For tonight I am hearing:
"Be still and know that I am God"

I was made for this.....

Spent the weekend in Columbus with Lisa. Nice weekend even if it was with three dogs that don't get along. The Irish Festival in Dublin Ohio was awesome as usual and enjoyed the wonderful food there. This morning we went to church with Lisa and wouldn't you know it? God followed me to Reynoldsburg? The church there is studying a book in the Bible each week and today was the book of Esther. A short time ago my small group was studying women of the Bible and we had a good study of Queen Esther. Only two weeks ago I got some movies from the library and one was about the life of Esther. Well Dion spoke this morning about how Mordecai told Esther, to paraphrase, how do you know that you are not queen just for this purpose, saving your people. Dion made it personal and questioned each of us "How do you know that you were created just for this moment in time, exactly where you are" He spoke of dead end jobs, Godless jobs, etc. Maybe each of us was created to bring God into those dead end jobs or to touch the lives of those we work with. Anyways, this message smacked me big time. I will work in a ministry the beginning of September to hopefully bring healing to the hurt. Maybe I was created for such a time as that. And work, while I love the work, I get aggitated at the process sometimes, maybe I was created for such a time as this.......
Mordecai told Esther, if you don't save your people, someone else will. Do I want God to have to use someone else to do what I am in place to do? I pray that I will take the risk that Dion challenged us to and be that person of God, following in Esther's footsteps. Not easy footsteps, not sure that there won't be punishment footsteps but footsteps that lead me to where I am supposed to be.

PIcs from this summer

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

This sounds like me!!!!

"Having a second home afloat is nothing new. But some recent developments at sea can alleviate the traditional concerns of maintenance and storage, as well as the challenge of open-boat living for people who have little or no sailing expertise."

The most revolutionary floating option is The World, the first and only condo cruise ship, where second-home owners visit dozens of destinations from Anchorage to Acapulco, San Francisco to Sydney, Vancouver to Vladivostok. The ship launched in 2002, and by 2006 all 165 apartments had been sold, buyers lured by the mantra "Travel the World Without Leaving Home."

Loved this story. I mean you get to stay at home (your condo) but your home visits other countries.......I hope Brian gets a good job after graduation to buy me a condo on a cruise ship!!!

July 29th

July 29th is a special day for two very special people in my life. It is my sister's anniversary. It has been 35+ years since they said "I do". My sister took care of me a lot when I was a child and when I had rheumatic fever and couldn't walk, she carried me on one hip. She always said she was one sided from this! When she began to work and have some money, she would always take me to BBF for a "Borden Burger". She bought her own clothes and would let me borrow some of the tops, sometimes. So my sister has always been important to me. But when I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life, she and her husband were my rock. They believed in me when I thought I had no value and could never succeed at anything. I went back to college and she was my loudest cheerleader. She sent me cards continuously urging me on and telling me how proud she was of me. She loved my children, and would spend time with them doing silly things. My brother in law is from Brooklyn and likes to pretend he is tough, but with me he has always gone out of his way to be a sweetheart. He paid me to mow grass just so I could have some money and he bought me a car and let me take forever to pay him for it.
So for today I want to express my gratitude and love for these very special people in my life. They managed to assist me when times were tough while still letting me keep my dignity. They believed in me until I finally believed in myself. There is nothing that they would not do to help me or my children. I have been so blessed with riches that surround me and two of them just happen to be called Sue & Bill

Proverbs 21:31

" You can get the horses ready for battle, but it is the Lord who gives the victory"

This was in my Bible reading tonight and really stuck with me. How many times do I think that it is me winning the victory? And then other times, I want the victory given to me, but I am too lazy to get the horses ready? My heavenly Father is just waiting on me, cheering me on, waiting for me to come before him ready for battle. I like to think positively but in reality it becomes more evident each day just how prevalent evil is in our world. So for tonight ( and hopefully a couple more days) I will keep this scripture forefront in my mind. this scripture reminds me that there is a battle and I can be prepared or not. It also reminds me that God gives me everything I need, the horses and everything I need to prepare to come before Him, but remembering that it is He that guarantees and wins the victory.

Mondays

Boy are Monday's tough! My brain just does not want to work today. I had to have two of my computer passwords reset today because I could not remember them. I remembered them first thing this morning but later could not get them right and got locked up for trying the wrong one too many times.
After work I went to visit my mom who is having problems with her left hip hurting her. She was just getting back to full throttle after her knee replacement and is once again walking with a cane. She is in really good shape for her age and sharp mentally too. But I think the pain pills she is on is dulling her wit a little right now. Hoping she gets better soon.
Bible study tonight we talked about detours in our life, in our study of knowing God's will. This group of ladies continue to encourage and strengthen me. I am so glad that even things someone meant for evil, God means for good. There is nothing that touches me that my heavenly father can not make for good for me. I have a couple open doors right now. I am trying to take things slowly and pray and seek God's will......So as I wind down on this Monday night, I think Jesus for redeeming my life.

Thought Provoking.....

By ROBERTO MICHELETTI

One of America’s most loyal Latin American allies—Honduras—has been in the midst of a constitutional crisis that threatens its democracy. Sadly, key undisputed facts regarding the crisis have often been ignored by America’s leaders, at least during the earliest days of the crisis.

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Corbis

In recent days, the rhetoric from allies of former President Manuel Zelaya has also dominated media reporting in the U.S. The worst distortion is the repetition of the false statement that Mr. Zelaya was removed from office by the military and for being a “reformer.” The truth is that he was removed by a democratically elected civilian government because the independent judicial and legislative branches of our government found that he had violated our laws and constitution.

Let’s review some fundamental facts that cannot be disputed:

• The Supreme Court, by a 15-0 vote, found that Mr. Zelaya had acted illegally by proceeding with an unconstitutional “referendum,” and it ordered the Armed Forces to arrest him. The military executed the arrest order of the Supreme Court because it was the appropriate agency to do so under Honduran law.

• Eight of the 15 votes on the Supreme Court were cast by members of Mr. Zelaya’s own Liberal Party. Strange that the pro-Zelaya propagandists who talk about the rule of law forget to mention the unanimous Supreme Court decision with a majority from Mr. Zelaya’s own party. Thus, Mr. Zelaya’s arrest was at the instigation of Honduran’s constitutional and civilian authorities—not the military.

• The Honduran Congress voted overwhelmingly in support of removing Mr. Zelaya. The vote included a majority of members of Mr. Zelaya’s Liberal Party.

• Independent government and religious leaders and institutions—including the Supreme Electoral Tribunal, the Administrative Law Tribunal, the independent Human Rights Ombudsman, four-out-of-five political parties, the two major presidential candidates of the Liberal and National Parties, and Honduras’s Catholic Cardinal—all agreed that Mr. Zelaya had acted illegally.

• The constitution expressly states in Article 239 that any president who seeks to amend the constitution and extend his term is automatically disqualified and is no longer president. There is no express provision for an impeachment process in the Honduran constitution. But the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision affirmed that Mr. Zelaya was attempting to extend his term with his illegal referendum. Thus, at the time of his arrest he was no longer—as a matter of law, as far as the Supreme Court was concerned—president of Honduras.

• Days before his arrest, Mr. Zelaya had his chief of staff illegally withdraw millions of dollars in cash from the Central Bank of Honduras.

• A day or so before his arrest, Mr. Zelaya led a violent mob to overrun an Air Force base to seize referendum ballots that had been shipped into Honduras by Hugo Chávez’s Venezuelan government.

• I succeeded Mr. Zelaya under the Honduran constitution’s order of succession (our vice president had resigned before all of this began so that he could run for president). This is and has always been an entirely civilian government. The military was ordered by an entirely civilian Supreme Court to arrest Mr. Zelaya. His removal was ordered by an entirely civilian and elected Congress. To suggest that Mr. Zelaya was ousted by means of a military coup is demonstrably false.

Regarding the decision to expel Mr. Zelaya from the country the evening of June 28 without a trial, reasonable people can believe the situation could have been handled differently. But it is also necessary to understand the decision in the context of genuine fear of Mr. Zelaya’s proven willingness to violate the law and to engage in mob-led violence.

The way forward is to work with Costa Rican President Oscar Arias. He is proposing ways to ensure that Mr. Zelaya complies with Honduras’s laws and its constitution and allows the people of Honduras to elect a new president in the regularly scheduled Nov. 29 elections (or perhaps earlier, if the date is moved up as President Arias has suggested and as Honduran law allows).

If all parties reach agreement to allow Mr. Zelaya to return to Honduras—a big “if”—we believe that he cannot be trusted to comply with the law and therefore it is our position that he must be prosecuted with full due process.

President Arias’s proposal for a moratorium on prosecution of all parties may be considered, but our Supreme Court has indicated that such a proposal presents serious legal problems under our constitution.

Like America, our constitutional democracy has three co-equal and independent branches of government—a fact that Mr. Zelaya ignored when he openly defied the positions of both the Supreme Court and Congress. But we are ready to continue discussions once the Supreme Court, the attorney general and Congress analyze President Arias’s proposal. That proposal has been turned over to them so that they can review provisions that impact their legal authority. Once we know their legal positions we will proceed accordingly.

The Honduran people must have confidence that their Congress is a co-equal branch of government. They must be assured that the rule of law in Honduras applies to everyone, even their president, and that their Supreme Court’s orders will not be dismissed and swept aside by other nations as inconvenient obstacles.

Meanwhile, the other elements of the Arias proposal, especially the establishment of a Truth Commission to make findings of fact and international enforcement mechanisms to ensure Mr. Zelaya complies with the agreement, are worthy of serious consideration.

Mr. Zelaya’s irresponsible attempt on Friday afternoon to cross the border into Honduras before President Arias has obtained agreement from all parties—an attempt that U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appropriately described as “reckless”—was just another example of why Mr. Zelaya cannot be trusted to keep his word.

Regardless of what happens, the worst thing the U.S. can do is to impose economic sanctions that would primarily hurt the poorest people in Honduras. Rather than impose sanctions, the U.S. should continue the wise policies of Mrs. Clinton. She is supporting President Arias’s efforts to mediate the issues. The goal is a peaceful solution that is consistent with Honduran law in a civil society where even the president is not above the law.

Stalled Journey

Sometimes it seems like the more that happens, the less I write. Will try to get back into practice of putting my thoughts here.
We are beginning a new study in small group, concerning knowing God's will. I am really looking forward to this study and hope I can come away with some concrete, continuous method of looking for, understanding and applying God's will in my life. I don't remember every reading or studying specifically, God's will, so this will be a first for me.
So many of the people that I work with and care about are going through difficult times right now and I feel at a loss to make a difference with them. I pray that I can be there for them and pray for them. I feel honored when a coworker asks me to pray for them. And my clients right now are all seemingly in turmoil. I don't know if it is the unsettling economy that brings out all our "warts" or what but business is brisk right now. too brisk. It is very clear these days that without God I could not begin to do my job. It is sad that I had to get overwhelmed to admit this though.
I continue to be in awe of my children. They teach me daily about the important things in life. I am so blessed to call them mine. Karen comes home soon for a short visit and I can hardly wait. Go figure, Brian will be in Honduras and Karen will be here?
On Facebook, there are so many quizes and tests and "what quiz show are you?" I don't do them because I am too lazy but what if God had "what kind of christian are you?" application? I would be ashamed when it would be posted for all to see. In all honesty, it would probably say something like, "sometime christian". Oh I don't change my mind and sometimes choose not to act christian, but do I always remember who I represent? That is my food for thought for tonight.

Easter

I enjoyed the seasonal activities of Easter; coloring eggs, eating ham and deviled eggs. But as my mind centered on the resurrection of Jesus I am sobered. I can't even imagine a love that would cause me to let my child die for someone's bad choices. I think I love my children unconditionally, totally and while I hope I would give up my life for them, how could you give up their live for someone that was not even close to being the superior character they were? I am so grateful that my heavenly father was willing to give up his son for me. Wow! Just blows my mind and is so much beyond my comprehension.
So today, I am so thankful that God has a love that far surpasses any human love. I am thankful that Jesus went through with the crucifixion to rise again. His death and resurrection means I am covered from all the dumb and selfish things I do. I am so humbled that I can take part in this great love.............

What if......

we long too much for what's next, without enjoying that's now?

we think too much, believe too little?

we talk a lot, but listen sporadically?

we go through the practices of worship, but never really worship?

I, for one find it much easier to do the first over the latter. Why does the human rule the spiritual in my life? Why does what is dying, have so much power over that which will never die? I have the questions, and I also have the answers.....
What rules, is what is fed. I feed my physical much more than I feed my spirit. I hope to find the place where I can feed one less and gorge on feeding the eternal. But this is just another step in my journey and the results are out of this world.......

Today's song of my heart

Here in this world that you've designed
From the rolling plains to the oceans
Deep and wide
Where are the words that can say what's
In my heart
All that I am is amazed by who you are
The one thing I desire
Is just to know you more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring you joy
So fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where you are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what you require
Is the one thing I desire

To love when I'd rather turn away
To give when I'm more resigned to take
To reach out a hand to someone who
Feels alone
The way you reached for me
When there seemed to be no hope
I'll live my life serving Christ
Offering a sacrifice of praise

Smiling Honduran Pictures

A Country Song

“I cried all the way to Houston” sounds like the words to a country song. However it was my life today. Karen and Dorian took us to the airport after we said final good byes to the children and staff at Casa. Everything went well until it was time to go through security and leave Karen. & Dorian. No matter how prepared I think I am I still cry at goodbyes. The gentleman checking my passport just smiled and shook his head as tears streamed down my face. Then for security, which I passed fine after I remembered to take my cell phone out of my pocket. I still couldn’t see very well at this time due to my tears. Sharon got stopped in security and they searched her purse. They took her fingernail clipper set and she was just happy that she made it down there with it so she had it to use while in Honduras. We could still see Karen & Dorian through glass wall as they went down the stairs and exited the terminal. We then went clear to the end of the gate area where we watched through tinted windows as they went to their car. As they were preparing to drive out of airport, we began waving and sure enough they spotted us and returned the wave.
We settled in to wait for our flight. I visited a shop and was tempted to buy a Honduras map that had Santa Ana on it until I learned the price was $5. I figured I could get one of the internet for free.
Takeoff was fine, but I could not stop weeping. Tears fell down my face and those around me afforded me the dignity of not mentioning it. So yes I did indeed cry all or most of the way to Houston. Just couldn’t seem to get past the sadness.
While at Houston I called Brian and just the sound of hearing his voice made me weepy again. When I called Lisa she was with someone so it was a quick call and I didn't have a chance to get weepy. Later I called my Mom and she told me that Lisa had already called her to tell her that I was in USA. She was involved with activities of looking for a first time house to buy and she stopped to call Grandma........ok, Lisa had me weeping also.
God has seen fit to bless me with three fantastic children who have taken risks instead of taking the easy way out and I am so proud of them. The day I left Lisa at OU twisted my heart. I know she was scared but she stuck it out and look at her now! Karen started taking risks in ever widening circles; San Diego, Denver and then Honduras. Brian knew what he wanted and he enrolled in college in Arkansas, a long way from home, family and friends. I am so thankful for the honor and privilege of being Mom to these three exceptional adults. And as if that was not enough treasures that God blessed me with, he gave me another son in Dorian. he loves God and adores Karen, what more could you want? So as I am flying back to home, yes I am still weeping because this is what love does. It leaves marks on your heart and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday

Took Dorian and Karen out to dinner tonight. It was a beautiful day and beautiful restaurant. Something that I have not experienced before was the lady in pic above who brought the cart to table and made the salsa for chips right there. Food was excellent and company was awesome. It has been wonderful to spend some time here and Karen bought her and Dorian a Scrabble game tonight. We did not play scrabble any while we were here. We did play dominoes one night. We also went to a large mall with a store similar to Super Walmart. They had everything there and lots of American stuff. All that is left is packing and saying our goodbyes. Pray that we have a safe return and Dorian and Karen don't cry all week with us leaving. Dorian is a doll and always treats me with the greatest respect and courtesy. (He even told me today that I was not fat). So he is a little dishonest, he is still a really awesome guy. It is good to see them mature in marriage and in God.

Thursday

Today was an interesting day, one that tested my domestic abilities. We started out by going to Delma's house. Delma lives close to Casa and makes tortillas for Casa and she was willing to show us how she makes them. She buys huge bags (50 lbs.) of corn and takes the corn to another residence that has an electric grinder that grinds the corn kernals. She then takes the ground corn meal and mixes it with lime. No not lime juice, but lime as in put on your garden. It should be noted that only a few teaspoons are added to a huge amount of cornmeal.

Then it is kneaded until it is soft (by adding water a little at a time). Then a small amount of this is placed on a press and made into a perfect tortilla. that was then placed on a wood adobe stove heated by wood fire. Well I was trying to learn how to make them but it did not go well. I was able to "kneed" it but I could not get the hang of pressing them. They were either very big, very little, too thin or too thick. No matter how many times I tried, I could not get it right. But to make me feel better, Delma allowed one of mine to make it to the stove. I advised her that she should charge extra for that one because a gringo made it. She showed her business saviness by instantly telling Karen that she would sell the one I made to Karen for extra money. So I sorta failed at the tortilla making.

Karen has a recipie for French Onion Soup that she wanted fixed for supper as she and Dorian discovered that they like it. Well I don't even like French Onion Soup, but today I made it from scratch and guess what? They liked it!!! Go figure. So today was not a total loss.

Wednesday

Today was a quiet day and I did not do much. Karen sent one of the children to get me a little before lunch. Doris was inconsolably sobbing and kept repeating "Mami". She cried tears and moaned and was clearly in turmoil. For a while Doris let me rock her and hold her tight. I hugged her and kissed her and told her that Jesus loved her. Then she got to a point where she did not want to be touched by anyone and continued to sob. She would sporadically get up and start to play and then dissolve into moaning again. It appeared that she was having some sort of flashback maybe to times where she was abused. It was so sad to see her in such agony. She eventually calmed down but it was a long process. I was so frustrated while trying to calm Doris. She is almost impossible to communicate with and could not tell us what she was feeling.
I was struck by how God must feel when we are wailing and we fail to communicate. How many times have I been in pain and expected God to fix it and but failed to ask him or tell him what is wrong? How many times does he hold us until we get angry and lash out at Him? I got frustrated with Doris today and my inability to soothe her. Wow, I am glad that my heavenly Father has infinite patience and all knowing ability to what I need. So when I have a melt down I am blessed with a father that knows what I need even when I don't. God is good!
Went with Karen to exchange two propane cyclinders this afternoon. First, we stopped at a leather shop in ojojona to see if she could get some of the boy's school belts repaired, as they cost $5.00 new and she had 4 in need of repair. The leather shop sent us into the shop where they were actually making leather items. He fixed the belts for a little more than $1.00. He also told Karen that he could make new ones out of better leather for $4.oo each when she needs new ones. It was very interesting to watch them cut, stamp, sew and glue leather. I did think it a little odd to watch one person stamping leather with "El Salvador". Little will the person know that the souvenier from El Salvador was made in a little village in Honduras.
Next we stopped at the pulperia (store) to exchange the propane tanks. I sat in the car and waited. Nothing happens quickly in Honduras so exchaning two tanks and buying phone cards took forever........By the time we were headed back to Casa it was starting to sprinkle. Just enough to make a mess of the windshield but not enough to wipe it clear. We returned to Casa and the wind had picked up even more and it was getting colder. Karen fixed supper; a recipie from her wedding recipie book. Oh another delicacy was that we bought some red raspberries last week at market. What was left the ladies in the kitchen here, made juice from them and had added some lemon juice, sugar, and who knows what else. It was awesome. I really think I am gaining weight here, not what I wanted. Well I am off to bed......

Tuesday

Today was another beautiful day. I got to watch the children today for an hour that seemed like six days.........they were actually pretty good, with one or two exceptions. But just the responsibility of knowing that I was responsible for them, was enough. And I only had 11 not the full 13. Well just keeping an eye on them seemed hard to me. I love these children and love to hug on them and see them smile but I am definitely wanting to be grandma to them not momma. I am sure that I would starve if I had to watch children for a living. I will post a few pics of the children here at Casa.

Pics from Monday

Monday

Today was tiring. About ten of us built a house for a family here in Santa Ana. Right now the house they have has a great grandma, grandma, her three children and two grandchildren. the mother of two children and her sister will move to this new house. I pounded in more nails today than I have in probably a lifetime. I hurt now but I consider it a privilege to have had the opportunity to help. There were five of us ladies and we put up siding on three sides and laid the floor. The home is approximately 16 X 16 and since there is no electricity on building sites a chain saw is used for any cuts. In fact the door and one window is cut out using chain saw. The family was so excited that they could hardly wait for us to leave to start sweeping it out. Well I only hit my thumb once but once was enough. I have body parts sore that I did not know existed. But it is a good tired.
The really hard part of the day came after supper tonight. Dorian is going back to college and he was having trouble with a college algebra problem. Well any of you who know me know that I went into social services because I can't do math. Well this problem is a word problem, written in Spanish. I managed to write out the problem, believe it or not with x's and y's but that was as far as I could get. So I got on line and found Lisa on. She was able to get the answer (after me finally writing the problem to her in Spanish) She was a little upset that I explained it three different ways three different times and wanted the problem to dicipher herself. I was still feeling pretty smart for being able to look at a word problem in Spanish and being able to write the equation and then Lisa asked what chapter Dorian was in. Well I thought she had totally lost it. But then she wanted to know if he was in a chapter with quadratic equations? Ok not feeling quite so smart now. Anyways Lisa solved it and emailed it to Dorian.....I used parts of my brain that I have never used in years......so maybe this little exercise warded off the Alzheimers a little longer........I will post pics of today in a little while. I need to go put some water on my brain..........it is smoking...........

Sunday

I will let my pictures speak for me today


This was right before the hammock broke with me and two girls on it!


Karen and Dorian this am.
Fitto and Dorian this afternoon

Saturday

It was an absolutely beautiful here in Santa Ana today. I did bits and pieces today. Work on a leaky commode, read some; eat, work on leaky sink, read some and eat; get the children's extra school uniforms out of bodega, read some and eat. Do you see a pattern here? Yep I like to eat. for lunch the ladies here had fried corn tortilla strips and placed chicken cooked in tomato sauce on top of the strips and then topped it with a version of cole slaw. It was really good. Thankfully I had my drink of orange juice with me when I went to lunch. The juice for today was beet and lemon juice. Not bad just couldn't get past the beet thing. For supper we had quesidillas and Karen taught me how to make them the correct way! I usually lose a little weight here because I don't have the high calorie sweets but this time I may gain! I am loving eating the fresh fruit. Pineapples, bananas, melons; I could almost live on them. Well them and caffeine:)
There is always so much going on here that it is hard to keep track of. Today, the house parents were moving as they found another job, Dorian was helping them pack and doing homework and then drove a load to their new home; three hours away. There is a lady here from Fla. who is working on assessing the children and maybe starting counseling. She and her daughter in law came for the weekend. So the lady and Karen spent all day meeting individually with the children. Sandra, one of the ladies who works here got all the children's school uniforms and had the children try them on to see what needs purchased before school begins middle of February.
I will post some pics of the children here at Casa and say goodnight.
I can't get pics to upload tonight, so until tomorrow..............Hasta manana

Friday

I am tired tonight. We got up this morning and headed to the market after Karen got the children ready for visitation with their parents but others were able to take them. I had asked Karen to go to the market with her as I had yet to experience it. The market area is crammed with people, and tents of fruits and vegetables and a few other things. Parking is scarce and a little girl "helped" us park and for "watching the car" you tip her afterwards. The market was a little different. I thought we would have to go from stall to stall but Karen works with one lady and gives her the order (every two weeks) for the orphanage. What that lady does not have, she gets from others. While she compiles the order we look around the others. Well I found four seedless watermelons for $1 which beats Kroger any day. We bought lots for maybe $7. We also found a gentleman selling new pots and pans. Well we decided to buy a set for Karen and Dorian for their first anniversary which is approaching. The box said that lids had 24 carat gold? Doubt that. But they now have a selection of pots for when they want to cook without borrowing from Casa. I thought I was very shrewd and talked the gentleman into throwing in two teeny tiny aluminum cups. When we were done, a boy with a cart pushed the whole order (a lot) to our vehicle. He loaded it and we tipped him and the girl for watching our car.
I was feeling pretty good about myself at this point and we were circling the stadium to get out. The road to bridge we needed to take was stopped and big trucks were backing back down it. So we were stopped in traffic and I decided to take a pic of the homes on the hillside. Well before I knew it a man was wrestling me for my camera. I tried for a while, with both of my hands and both of his hands on the camera. In the end he won and ran away with my camera. If I had taken my arthritis medicine I could whipped him. For one split second, I actually considered biting his hand but decided against it. Karen was upset about me not being careful and I admit that I was stupid and all it took was one second. The fun continued as we pulled on down and told the policia that was sitting there on motorcycles. We circled the stadium again and we neared one store, I saw the back of what I thought was the thief entering a store that I thought was a pawn shop. Well I had Karen pull over and we waved down police and told him...He was hesitant to go into the store as he did not have a gun. He eventually went in and came out with the guy wearing the beige shirt that I saw enter the store....Along with the guy wearing the beige shirt was his employer who owne dthe store. This was not the same guy. Ay, aye aye.....the policeman i think was embarrassed and if we had found the guy selling the camera he wouldn't have listened to us again!
Next Karen took us to a small upscale restaurant called Portico. It was small, immaculate and fantastic food. Then we went to a fabric store for Karen to find some fabric to recover her pillows since she now has a new quilt. Then we headed home. On the way home there were people, dogs, and cows in the road that Karen had to stop for or swerve to miss. There is nothing boring about Honduras.
We arrived back at Casa to find that David had brought the five brothers to visit. As I got out of the vehicle I told Yovanni "Hola, Como estas?" He replied that he now speaks English. They have enrolled all the boys in a bilingual private school. It was so good to see the boys and get their precious hugs. They enjoyed riding the bicycles and visiting with their friends still here at Casa.

Thursday

I woke up to another beautiful day in Honduras. I eventually made it over to where the childre

n are and Karen had them all practicing writing their names. A couple small ones just make marks and pretend that they are. Cindy was proud of hers so I took a pic of it.
Cindy is devious, sometimes mean, always up to something but I love her dearly. She is very intelligent and hopefully her strong will will be used for God and not for bad.
I have been through some tough times with Cindy and it is nice to see her at peace now compared to how she used to be.

We walked to a local park and let the children play. They appeared to have lots of fun and I will post some pics of them playing there.














This afternoon I was able to read some more (I have finished two already) and Karen fixed supper. I think she was afraid that Dorian would leave her if I cooked again. I helped Karen stock the store at Casa with chips etc. as today the frito lay man came. Let me tell you Frito Lay in the states has been holding back on us. They make all kind of stuff that we never see. And Karen says the bread man comes tomorrow. Can't wait to see what they have.
What is peace? Do I have it? Do I chase after it? Sometimes I just pray for peace but fail to do the things in my life that will bring me peace. Like repeating gossip, judging others and just negative thinking. So for today I am trying to practice self-control so that I will have more peace.

Wednesday

Today started with making baloney sandwiches and we then took a trip to the city dump of Tegucigalpa. Trucks are continuously pulling in and dumping. As we entered the dump area, people started running to the truck. We handed out one sandwich with an orange and then they were given a glass of water. They appeared more thirsty than hungry almost. They were very polite and mostly men and boys but there were enough young women with babies to make it even sadder. I took pictures and a couple short videos but they do not do it justice. Some of the people do not live at the dump but come to pick through and find plastic bottles to recycle for money. But some were covered in what appeared to be immense layers of dirt. There were birds and cows feeding on the garbage and people actually fighting them for items. I think of a few times that I have had to go through my own trash because I lost something. That was gross to me. But to go through others garbage and have their garbage as your food? And then I think of medical trash and the like and wonder how any stay healthy at the dump long. There were some cardboard boxes where it appeared that some were staying. Giving them a sandwich, orange and cup of water is so appreciated. But in Honduras, one doesn't have to go to a dump to see hungry, dirty people with really no place to live. It is everywhere.



After the dump we went to a domestic violence shelter's store. It is called the firefly. They make beautiful candles and sell. By doing this they are teaching the ladies how to earn money and the money from the sale of the candles is used for the shelter. I considered it an honor to purchase a candle and make a small donation.
After that we went to a shop in downtown Teguc that specializes in pewter. They also have Lenca pottery which is quite beautiful. I guess Lencas is a type of indians here in Honduras.
We heard someone yell at Karen and we turned to see Rudy outside the store. Rudy used to live at Casa de Esperanza but ran away. He finally returned to his mother where he sleeps at night but during the day, he runs the streets and begs. He was taken from streets since he left Casa and placed in a state orphanage but he has ran away. Rudy was with a couple other boys and I was fearful that he would not say much with his friends being there. He waited outside the store for probably 30 minutes. And he gave me a hug when I asked for one and let me get a picture of him and me.
So for tonight I am feeling tired and thankful. I am thankful that I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination. I am like one of those people at the dump, searching for what I think is a way to survive but my heavenly Father is standing there constantly, not just occasionally, with a sip of water and a banquet prepared for me. All I have to do is just be there and take what he gives, just like the people at the dump. Am I thankful? Or do I just come to expect that he will be there before I give up and it is all expected. Or do I think I make my own way by "doing"? At those times I am just as silly as those in the dump searching through others garbage to survive.
I am also reading a Joyce Meyer book, and tonight I read about kindness. Their was a definition that you weren't being kind if you thought the other person deserved "niceness". Being kind was to be nice to those that you feel do not deserve it. Ouch! Thanks, I needed that one. All of those that I care about in Ohio, please be careful on the roads and know that I am not missing it one bit!

Tuesday

I woke up today to rain. But I wasn't about to complain when I heard what the weather was like at home. I offered to clean out the bodega (storage building) for Karen today. Any of you who know Karen, know she likes organization. Well lately some stuff had been thrown in there and it was a mess. And of course she had to tell me that some of things seen in there previously were mice, snakes and scorpions. That is what I get for laughing about all those who are dealing with snow today.
Well I managed to get a baby bed apart which was no small accomplishment, and I climbed the "ladder" and put the bed up on the third level with other baby stuff. It was a mess up there but I was finally able to move everything around and got all the baby bed parts organized. And all the other baby stuff organized; strollers, car seats, potty chairs, etc.
To make the bodega even more of a mess, recently another bodega had been cleaned out and tools were added to what Karen considers "her" bodega. So, cleaned out a front corner to put numerous shovels, axes, picks, etc. Then there was the generator, welder and a multitude of hand tools, nails, caulking, etc. Finally this was put in some order and I place several rugs, pillows, etc on shelves. I found a lot of toys that were not being used, such as play kitchen, etc. and the children were happy to have new toys to play with.
By the way, I was glad that I got my tetanus shot updated. Not sure why but there was a new roll of barb wire which I moved but my knee got in the way. Not only did it make a hole in my pants, I have a cut on my leg. Oh, well. It was very stuffy, humid and dirty in the bodega and by the time I was done, I was soaking wet from sweat and very dirty. AI was reminded of Lisa's freshman year at OU when we moved her in, I was sure I was suffering a heart attack. Well today there were a few moments where it felt the same. Boy am I getting old.
After lunch(which I ate every bite) I took a shower and read a parenting book of Karen's. It is all about parenting children of trauma. Very thought provoking. Then I cooked supper tonight. Karen wanted creamed potatoes so that is what she got along with chicken nuggets and mozzarella sticks. Also had fresh watermelon and pineapple which I love. It is cool here tonight so I am sitting on couch with a cover over me, finishing up my day. Oh I found some rice flour here in honduras and it was from Thailand and is cheaper than I can find it in the states?
So for pics I have some pics of bodega and my lunch plate of eggs, refried beans, slaw, and rice. So for tonight I am tired and my muscles are tired and I am trying very hard not to worry about the elderly at home who will be affected by the winter storm they are getting.