Fear of Joy

This has been a real issue for me in the past. If it is too good to be true, it must not be true. whenever things started coming together, I became anxious and did not enjoy the good times because I was just waiting for "the other shoe to drop". In some ways I was more "ok" with things not going well than I was with good times. Why? Because I knew what was expected during tough times but unsure how to act in good times. After all, if I enjoyed life when it was good, wouldn't that just make life more difficult when things go bad? Not IF, but WHEN they turn bad. Who knows, this may have been so uncomfortable to me that I maybe even caused some of the difficult stuff myself by my fear of joy.
Occasionally, I still find myself feeling this, but it is very seldom and it doesnt last. In coming to know myself and my God, I am able to enjoy where I am each day and the joys and problems each day brings. Before, I did not truly live, just existed for the next round.
Guess what? I am no better person than I used to be. I screw up just as much as I used to. But I am accepting of myself and no longer use old "programs" to stifle myself. I am truly a new creature in Christ.