Tonight

I am sad. I feel like I have lost part of my family. The five brothers at Casa were taken home by their mother and father today. While I know families need to be together..........For me this means no more watching yovanni lining up his toys and keeping them just so so. No more Marvin in my face yelling at the top of his lungs and sticking his tongue out.......No more sitting in the hallway with Mario trying to calm him down after an outburst of rage and no more seeing Mr Cutie; Francisco flash those beautiful dimples. But what I will miss most of all is no more times will I answer the phone and hear those sweet words, "Hola grandma 'nita" He wont be calling me to tell me how cute he is now that he has his hair cut or reminding me to bring candy the next time I come to visit. I can not even imagine how difficult today was for Karen, Jen and Ashley. And the boys, what are they to think? Antonio knows his mother as someone he sees once a month. I am trying not to be selfish but it is hard.
I pray dear Father that the lessons that these sweet boys learned at Casa stay with them. The morning devotionals, the prayers and the "I love you's" I pray that they never forget these. I pray that their parents realize what treasures they have in their family and treat them with kindness and gentleness. I pray that sometime in the future when Antonio hears a plane and looks up and says Grandma 'nita that he smiles because this heart is smiling through the tears and thanking God for letting me see the beauty of these five boys.

A Senior Moment

I have been behind at work and this morning as I was getting ready I figured that I would be in the office getting paper work caught up so I wore jeans, crocs and big comfy shirt. Well when I arrived at work, I looked by my calendar and saw that I was supposed to give an inservice at a local home nursing and hospice at 8:30am. To say that I was not dressed appropriately, is to put it mildly. So after admitting my mistake to my supervisor and kicking myself a dozen times I called the agency to let them know that I would like to reschedule. They told me that they too were thinking about rescheduling their meeting but since I was scheduled they didn't. Well I am going to try to go tomorrow morning . I was shocked that I could forget something so important, but you know I mess up a lot. A verse in Romans 5 in The Message sums it up. It says that if I work hard and get paid I earn my wages, but if I work but know that I can not do my job no matter how long or how hard I work without God then my pay is a gift. That is me. I could not do my job without God's constant assistance. Pray that I will remember to dress for my meeting tomorrow morning and that God will continue to put words of wisdom in me when I let Him have control of my life. And come payday I will receive another gift.

Love

"I have found

the paradox

that if I love until it hurts,

then there is no hurt,

but only more love."

Mother Teresa

Memorial Day

It is a holiday that invokes images of "taps" being played at a graveside ceremony. Somewhat sad feelings. I am not one to spend time at graveyards but I do spend a lot of time thinking of those loved ones who are gone. First of all I think of the kids maternal grandmother; Hattie Marie. She was a very great lady. I never heard her say anything negative about anyone, ever. How many people can you say that about? She was a perfect grandmother and indulged Lisa with anything and everything but mostly her time. She liked to buy matching outfits for Lisa and Karen. I remember when it was certain that she was not going to survive her battle with cancer she only stated that she was sorry that she would not be able to see her grandchildren grow up. she passed away on September 29th but on Lisa's first day of kindergarten, the first of September, even though she was barely able to talk, she called to see how Lisa's first day had gone. When I see Lisa being creative, sewing or baking I think she got some of this from her grandma Vaughan and the rest from my sister. She was not only a mother in law but a best friend.
It is still hard to talk about my Dad. It seems like only yesterday that he would bring me home a jelly sandwich in his lunchbox. I didn't even like jelly sandwiches but after he carried it around all day, it was delicious. It seems like most of my childhood I remember waiting for Dad to come home from work, and wanting to carry in his lunchbox. I miss him so much but know he would not have wanted to hang around with his health failing. Dad told us that he wished he had a role model as a father. His father died when he was 8 months old. But Dad was always gentle, never loud or mouthy and he too never had much bad to say about anyone. He was a survivor and touch. One of my proudest moments was when he got his GED. He only had an eighth grad education but he was wise. Another proud moments was when he quit smoking. What a strong man. The pain is still right up front and singing to him as he was unhooked from the ventilator and feeling him leave us. Today I honor these kind mentors that have gone on before me, teaching me so much. Thank you God for these gifts...........

today

as I sit and rest this evening I have watched our baby birds. You see a robin built a nest in a bathroom window. We worried about her intellect in building a nest so close to where three cats lounge. It has been fun and exciting to see the four eggs and then four little ones. Each day they seem to double in size. It appears that both the father and mother feed them. At least there is more than one robin helping with them. She will bring them worms and as soon as they hear her approaching, they perk up with beaks pointing upwards to be fed. They are getting quite large by now and I wonder how they still fit in the small nest. As I am sitting on porch I have realized that the two of our cats, Gizzie and Patrick Squishy (yes he has a middle name) have realized that they are in the window. They keep trying to sit underneath the nest hoping one will fall out. I have scolded them and ran them off so many times but they are intent on their prey. The mother will not fly down from the tree with worms as long as the cats are nearby. But the babies hear their mother and start bobbling when she is in tree waiting to feed them. I am so afraid that they will fall out of nest trying to get to the their mother. I want to put up some sort of netting or something to catch them when they start to learn to fly....:) I know that my cats will get them the first time they fail and hit the ground. I remember last spring, chasing the cats away from babys, hopping across the lawn.
But I have watched these be hatched from eggs and grow daily. I haven't named them but I would know if one was missing. I know that there is little chance of them surving. I see the danger before them and want to tell them not to fall, or somehow warn them. As I was sitting here wandering how I can prevent the inevitable, it hit me.
How many times has my heavenly Father sat by watching me ready to enter danger and wanting to put up a safety net for me? Instead he lets nature take its course and trusts that I will learn from failings. It is anxious for me to watch these birdies get ready to leave the nest and face certain death and I wonder how often I do the same thing with my Father and cause him grief because I have not made smart decisions?

A thought

In the paraphrase "The Message" I read this morning that if I get paid for what work I do then I am paid wages but if the work is such that I can not complete it on my own then what I am paid is a gift. Well I am definitely receiving "gifts" every other Friday. There is no way that I could do my job on my own with my abilities and skills. God gives me courage daily to go into difficult situations and He also gives me compassion and gentleness with people that I want to hurt. Some days I am more receptive to His help than others and there are some days that I rely only on my "skills" and I fail miserably.
I am excited that Monday night Life Group is still growing and we are growing closer to God and to each other. HOPE group on Tuesdays reminds me of how God can heal emotional wounds, wound of a person's soul that was caused by persons who should have loved not hurt.
Daily I am reminded of the love that our heavenly Father shows us and that same love, I struggle with daily to pass on. For tonight I am so thankful that God forgives me daily for my shortcomings and accepts me where I am but calls me to walk more fully in the light.

BJ's Buddies

40 days of Community campaign has ended but bj's buddies is just getting started. Tonight we discussed World Bible School and decided to go back to our study of fruit of the spirit. We had two new ladies and they both blessed the group. Leslie was there to talk to us about WBS and Beth was able to come for the first time. WE are in the planning stages of sprucing up the church's bathrooms and adding an elevated seat in all bathrooms and rail for handicapped or aged. It is so clear that we are the body when I look at our group. I think I am just a "knuckle" or "heel" but when I am part of this awesome group and we become the body it is so magnificent! I no longer feel like an appendage but part of something real, something that can accomplish anything. I do not want to be an impediment to the body but the best knuckle there is. tonight we had a lot of prayer requests and and there were hurts and concerns but even with all of that. we are so blessed. God has given us so much that I am spoiled and do not appreciate all that I have. This is the beginning of something big and that big is GOD!

Dear Father

Today I give you praise for being my lord and savior. I am so blessed and grateful that your son was sacrificed for MY sins. I am so unworthy and continue to be selfish and slow to help others. But you father are the light in my life. I cry out to you to bring your light deeper into my life until all darkness is banished. I want you and your son to fill every part of my life until there is no "me". I am so honored to be your child. A daughter of the King. As I am getting ready to start a new week, I ask that you be with me each moment of each day. Help me to notice all the opportunities you place in front of me. Help me to make the decisions that will lead me on your path. Help me to flee from darkness and laziness. Give me the strength to do minister to all your children not just the ones I like.
I lift up to my precious children; Lisa, Karen, Dorian and Brian. Surround Lisa with those who will adore her and help her to grow strong is you. Be with Brian as he has started a new job and lead him to co workers that will lift him and you up. Be with Dorian and Karen as they minister in Honduras. I ask for special blessings on them as they serve Casa and Santa Ana for you. Tonight I lift you up and praise you. You are holy and I beseech you to use me dear Father for your kingdom.

40 days of community

is over but I think this is just the beginning. It has been an interesting 40 days. An exciting 40 days, and a sometimes scary 40 days. During this 40 days I for the first time have actually prayed for God to use me and fully and truthfully mean it. Before I wanted used only in certain ways and at certain times. This group of ladies in BJ's Buddies is quite an awesome group. I have developed some really neat relationships with these ladies and look forward to sharing this journey with them.
Tomorrow is Praisefest where the entire area of every denomination gather for an evening of praise. I am looking forward to this as it is always an awesome experience.
It has been a difficult week in some ways, lots of good stuff but also dealing with some people who are just being nasty. I was able to just shrug it off and even pray for them. After all being that unhappy can not be too pleasant for them. My baby, Brian was told today that he has a job in Columbus and headed up to Lisa's tonight as he has orientation all day tomorrow. I pray that people at this job will assist him on his spiritual journey. Lisa is excited about him staying with her but I figure for them to not get on each other's nerves, Brian will need to work a few evenings. :)
Karen called me today because Antonio wanted to call me. He was telling me about his new haircut. His voice saying "Grandma Anita" just makes me smile all over. I am so blessed.
I am reading "Searching for God knows what" Just getting started but it a great book.

Pics of Honduras

Tonight I am posting pics of Honduras. this a land that has engaged my heart. They do so much with so little that it makes me ashamed to complain about anything. Tonight I lift up to my Father; Honduras a country of deep faith..............

Prayer

My devo journal for tonight mentioned a sobering thought. It smacked me right in the face once again. It mentioned that Prayer in church worship is often like the national anthem in a ball game. You wouldn't think of starting without it but it has little to do with what happens afterwards. As group facilitators we are asked to come up with a goal for our life group. Tossing around some ideas and I am looking at developing an intimacy with God and each other. After reading today's devo journal, I an thinking maybe to focus on prayer. Simply put, when you pray with and for people you develop intimacy. And you become real with each other. I will pray on this but think this is maybe our goal. Develop intimacy through prayer.
I think work today was just enough to realize how far behind I am without getting to get any of it caught up. But it will work out and I have two more days this week to get caught up some. We are getting ready for negotiations at work and that will require some time and thought from me. So for now I have Monday night life group, Tuesday night HOPE group (every other week) and now pre-negotiation meetings. But you know what? It is all good. Each one of these is a chance for me to serve. God gives me so many opportunities to minister, oftentimes I miss them but for now I am right where I want to be. Hope that you are feeling good about where you are in this journey through life. :)

I'm Home

I made it back to home this evening and it feels good. the conference was awesome and hopefully I have more tools to help those I work with. Brian possibly has a job in Columbus and that feels good and bad. Happy for him and somewhat sad that I won't see him that much. I am looking forward to getting back in the normal swing of things.....
For tonight I am tired and my mind is not working and I have no thoughts in my head......So for tonight I wish you all the love in the world...........

40 days almost over

Tonight is the last Monday night meeting of BJ's Buddies during this 40 days of community. And if that isn't depressing, then add to it that I am not able to be present tonight. I am in Columbus for work.
First of all this 40 days has been phenomenal. It has changed my life in so many ways. I have been challenged daily as I read the journal. I have experienced a new awareness of what being a servant really is. The books, videos and journals have truly helped me to grow as a christian.
Secondly, Bj's Buddies have personally changed mt life. These ladies are all different and most of us are not real comfortable in being in groups or being a "people person". But each has reached out of their comfort zone and thrived. We have served each other, our community and our church and yet we are left with a feeling of doing so little. As I reflect about these special ladies I think of Rose. She is a quiet, introspective, gentle lady and i get goosebumps hearing her read I Corinthians 13. Doris is always smiling and always willing to serve in any way needed. Janet is a busy lady but committed to this group. Becky is our "CEO", she gets things done. I am a dreamer and I can come up with all sorts of ideas and dreams but Becky cuts through everything and just gets things done and encourages us to do likewise, but in a very gentle way that feels like love. Sharon L has reached out and pitches right in to do more in an already busy life. Emily brings us back to focus by often saying what is truly important. Miss Vicki teaches us how to be real and have faith. Ann a special personal friend of mine, doesn't skip a beat but just enters into discussion and prayer like she has always known all of us. BJ is such a role model, and perfect hostess. Her home is always inviting and she goes the extra mile on everything. (She is also an excellent leader even thought she does not like the word "leader:. Ginger is a lady that I did not know really at all until this group and her wisdom and view on God and service truly opens my eyes. Jean has such a quiet demeanor and she just exudes charm and genuineness. Judy stays involved in our group and adds so much wisdom to us "buddies". Barbara is a very strong lady and has let us share in her accomplishment of graduation from college. Phyllis is one that shares and is truly honest with us. She encourages and updates us. Last but not least, is Sharon M. my co facilitator. See I am the one who usually talks and prods others to share their view. So I truly "facilitate" or get discussion going. But Sharon is the one that keeps track of cards to be sent, people to add to prayer list, etc. In fact she is the heart and soul of the group. I am a procrastinator and she keeps in on target and focused. I thank God for this wonderful group of ladies and all they mean to me. I am so excited about this group and where we go from here. I am truly convinced that there is nothing that this group of ladies can not do once they make up their minds.
As for being in Columbus, It is for a conference where I am learning better ways to help my clients. So it also is a blessing, because it enables me to serve others and get paid for it. I am staying with Lisa and Brian is with me, job hunting in Columbus. He has a job interview tomorrow. I am praying that he will be led to a job that will help to grow spiritually. Lisa is being the perfect hostess.
Karen called today and she had tests on her kidney completed today. So far it looks good but she goes back next Monday to get full results and also to talk about the blood count and make sure everything is alright. God is good. Pray for Casa as it is in a time of change.........

Mothers Day

Today I want to give thanks for my mother. She is in her 80's and looks and acts 60's. She always put us kids first and never left us at babysitters. If we couldn't go with her and Dad they didn't go. No one I know is a harder worker than my Mom. She Rocks!
I am blessed to be a mother to three fantastic children. God truly blessed me with my children. They amaze me continuously and are so talented. this is not talent from me. This is God given talent. They are kind and compassionate, intelligent and steady, loving and unselfish. Lisa, Karen and Brian make me proud to be their Mom. I am the one who feels indebted to them. They have taught me so many things. Today I was blessed to sit between Lisa and Brian at church and I wore Karen's "Jesus fish" ring to have her close. when I find myself missing Karen I think about how much she has given up to be a mom to children who truly feel like my blood grandchildren. I am so blessed. This year I have a new son, Dorian. I could not have picked a better son. God continues to bless me! And a daughter in my heart is Amanda Sue. I have watched her grow into a wonderful mother to her own and those she cares for. Her children also feel like my grandchildren. So while I do not presently have any biological grandchildren I have lots of grand children from my heart. So today is good, because I have Lisa, Karen, Dorian and Brian and then I have Amanda Sue, Adam, Taylor, Brennen and Payton. And I have Rudy, Brayan, Yovanni, Marvin, Pamela, Daniella, Mario, Fitto, Cindy Lou, Fernando, Monica, Francisco, Marjouri, Katy, and Antonio. Nothing makes my heart sing more than to hear Antonio voice on the phone saying "Hola Grandma Anita". I am so blessed. this mother's day is a celebration of riches.

sacrificing to serve

I like to think that I serve not well or often by I serve. But have I ever sacrificed to serve? No , only when it fits my schedule. I need to think about this and try to learn to sacrifice to serve.
On another note, right now a lot of my clients are having rough times right now and one died in a fire in her home.. they desperately need prayers and god's intervention.

this week has made me doubt it I can even make a difference.
there are so many hurting people and my heart breaks for them. I just pray that I can make some small part of healing in their lives. Tonight I have two of my children with me and they make me smile. I miss them when they are not here. It just feels right to have some hugs and good times with them.

My Baby

Today my baby is halfway through college. I am so proud of him. Seems just like yesterday that he was in Thursday school, looking cute and singing "wheels on the bus" . Then he was racing his pinewood derby racer and looking cuter in his cub scout shirt. Oh and the cowboy boots, those red cowboy boots that he wore with shorts and rode his horse on springs. And wasn't it last year that he played the sax and marched in the Barlow Fair parade. Then he had all that fun with our Mexican exchange student. And then he was old enough to watch baby Brennen for a few hours and made it through changing a dirty diaper. And about the week after that I was dropping him off at Harding.....and now a couple days later he is now half way through.
Brian is kind, sensitive and funny. And he is annoying and thoughtful and he is my baby. I still remember the shock of seeing him for the first time and being surprised by what appeared to be bright orange hair. And growing up when people would ask where he got the red hair from he learned to say from God. Well he is definitely a gift from God to me and I am glad that he is coming to give him momma some hugs...........

Humility

is the result of knowing who you are. That was my thought for today. Today I am feeling tired, and frustrated. I am getting overwhelmed at work and feeling ineffectual. But tomorrow will be a new day and I will realize that I can't save everyone, and continue to help those I can. God is good and I know that he is in control.

A long Day

I had BJ's Buddies last night and we had 14 ladies present. This is such an awesome group of ladies and they are teaching me so much. We are discussing ways to serve. We decided that to begin with we will give the two main restrooms (carport entrance) a makeover. Not just a cosmetic makeover but utility makeover also. We want to add elevated seats to one commode in each restroom. And we also want to add a "grab bar" to those stalls to assist those who may have physical difficulties. Also we are all bringing canned meats next week to give to the food pantry as we found out that there is a real need for that. We are also kicking around some sort of idea of serving meals/community dinner. I feel blessed to be a part of this group. I found out yesterday when I went to work that I was going to Columbus today for training, so after group, I went to bed knowing that I was getting up at 5am to leave for Columbus. So that is my excuse for not blogging yesterday.
This morning I got up needed to go to Marietta to get agency vehicle to drive to Columbus. I just got to Marietta and was on a city street when the truck shook and it felt like someone rammed me. I stopped and looked in rear view mirror and could see something on ground writhing around. It was still dark so could not see much. Well for a few seconds I was fearful that I had somehow actually hit a person. I went back and it was a deer lying in middle of street, bleeding profusely. I called the police and they told me that they would send someone to take care of the deer. I left there and went down street to get the agency vehicle. I drove the agency vehicle to where the lights shone on my truck. All I could see was a cracked grill around my right headlight. So off I was to Columbus. I drove very slowly and watched for any movement still rattled. The training was awesome with some national presenters. After the training, Lisa met me for supper and we ate at Max & Ermas, a Columbus landmark. It was really enjoyable getting to spend time with Lisa and just talking about anything and everything. I saw a plane coming into Columbus and thought of Karen....:( but the good news is that my baby is coming home the end of this week. Brian finishes up his second year of college on Thursday. I am so proud of him. So I drove back to home (and missed HOPE group) and when I got to the agency to get my truck I was surprised to see it in daylight. I think I know why I never saw the deer. It appears to have rammed my passenger door. I have several dents and deer hair everywhere. Even though I was rattled (and sad about the deer) I was so thankful that I was safe and my truck was drivable. God is good. He continues to protect me and I am so blessed. I was listening to the radio on the way home this evening and I was struck by the song I believe is my Rachael Lampa (I am terrible at who sings what) but the focus was.
"No more status quo, ....You make me want to be brave"
Those two sentences are where I am today. I am tired of status quo and God gives me the strength to be brave and pray earnestly, "use Me". I just kept singing those two lines over and over again. Tonight I pray that God will lead me in all the ways that will lead me to where I need to be. Gotta get some sleep as last night was a short night. (In the middle of the short night a transformer blew in the neighborhood and the dogs, barked and the transformer hummed loudly)

A Beautiful Day

It is hard to complain about the increasing prices of gasoline, food, etc. when you see those on fixed income having to do without needed items. And then I hear about Honduras and some fuel is simply not available. For today I am thankful that I am blessed and have so much. I pray for those who are going without and making decisions as to where their limited funds will go. This week in 40 days of community we are focusing on service projects within our congregation. Each life group is try to determine a way to meet a need of our church family. We will brainstorm this tomorrow to see where BJ's buddies are headed. This morning I spoke with an elderly lady that we are taking food to each week and we have visited. She told me that she needs no other work done, just visits. She told me that she could do without the food but not the visits. In our fast paced lives we seldom have time to sit down and wish for visitors while those around us are hungry for people to talk to. We do not have to come up with some huge ministry project that affects dozens of people, we just need to spend some time with a lonely lady.

Community

This forty days of community is supposed to be about reaching outside our church and inside also. This week has been a perfect example. Our group met Monday night and Tuesday fixed supper for our volunteer fire department weekly meeting. Thursday, several visited on their own and this morning we met to shampoo Sharon's Mom's carpets. Doing things together makes anything so much more enjoyable. We had three shampooers going and it did not take long to get it done. Then we got to eat together and share. Today is Rose's birthday and she had been sick all week and even missed Monday's group. Well after finishing shampooing we all went by Rose's and sang Happy Birthday to her and we also took her a bouquet of flowers (She didn't even complain that they were from her yard!) Rose showed us pictures that she has painted and she showed us probably 70-80- canvases that she has painted. They are all truly beautiful. I had no idea anyone I knew has that much talent. She had us all pick out one to take home. So this life group has helped us get to know each other. Rose is very talented and Becky is so wise and is a take charge lady. We appointed her CEO of BJ's Buddies today. We are forming relationships and having fun and most of all showing Christ's love to our community. Once again I can't wait for tomorrow's sermon and video to be inspired for the week. Brian will be done with college for the summer soon. I will be praying lots for him this week and his finals. He is still trying to figure out what he is going to do this summer.
Remember to love with Christ's love to ALL

Saturate

Here I am longing,
I can't stop this longing
For more of You in me.
Lost in this moment,
This beautiful moment
This prayer I sing to You.
I'm crying out to You
To change the way I think,
To steal away my pride
And make me new.

Saturate my life,
Fill every part of me with You
Drown me in Your love,
Let me lose myself in You.

Here I am longing,
I can't stop this longing
For more of You in me.
Lost in this moment,
This beautiful moment
This prayer I sing to You.
I gladly come to You,
I want no place to hide
I'm pouring out my heart
To give You room.

Saturate my life,
Fill every part of me with You
Drown me in Your love,
Let me lose myself in You.

Saturate my life,
Fill every part of me with You
Drown me in Your love,
Let me lose myself in You.

This song is my prayer and my wish.  I truly want to be saturated in His love. 
I really want every part of me filled with Him.  this song I have listened to 
all week and I just keep saying it over and over again in my head.  
It is my constant prayer

Putting Others First

Putting others first is about listening to someone with no thoughts of how to end the conversation or fix the problem. It is not correcting someone when they say something wrong. Putting others first is much more than letting someone go first, it means that you do not act on your wishes or wants but on the other person's. Hard stuff to do. But that is what I am trying to do. I need to correct yesterday's blog. I called Karen "Missy" not Missy Dorian. I will try to do better with my commas. I knew I was in trouble when all three children commented. Well I will try to watch my punctuation and even work on my grammar.
So for tonight I will try to truly on putting others first.